Love thyself ....

Why is childhood so important?. When we come into this world, we come pre-programmed with few things like a baby knows to draw milk, or swim or crawl or turn over walk etc. Wouldnt it be great if we remembered love and affection the same way?  How does one tap into the abundance of love and positive from past births?.

All the memories from your first ever birth till now are stored as samskaras in your brain. We all feel limited by this one birth and experiences of this birth. We only tend to remember things associated with the first chakra of survival by default. Extremely strong love stories last through births and that would mean that their heart chakras were so well connected.

What is this sense of Self? To me, it seems to be defined an identity which was from age 5-15. A kid who lacked love, hence lacks self esteem and therefore all the reactions as an adult also operate from that space. As an adult since you are capable of defending yourself, you get angry or last back at the person when you feel your that whatever they said or did might have directly or indirectly hurt your self esteem. The problem being the adult you to begin with has very low self esteem, and is constantly looking for approval and appreciation to give you a false sense of pride or esteem. What if we remembered and realized that we are not a sum total of this birth experiences?.

Why do all of us constantly live for others? Self love and self acceptance I think are the most crucial for survival. The more one talks negatively to self and the inner dialogue is harmful and filled with bad words, the more deteriorated your body will be. I believe the auto immune diseases are probably caused due to lack of self love and self acceptance. The inner voice which is supposed to be loving and soothing, if it constantly judges you and criticizes you (the you could be thought of as the ego which is attached to the body), the body will start to believe that it is of no use and start breaking down this vehicle as it is being beaten up every day anyway. You need to reiterate and remind the body that it is safe and cared for and is always loved.

How do we uncloud the inner voice?. The inner voice should always be the Self, deeper and stable and always loving and caring, your mother , father, brother, sister, and friend. The inner voice as a kid is soo fragile, it seems to think of the parent as the inner voice. But the Self is bigger than that and we should be able to see beyond those especially if the parent was abusive or not caring.

It is time to take the reigns back from the ego and the defending self, constantly in watch and look out, to the inner true Self. The aura and energy should radiate from the center and not the other way around. True self loving and caring will radiate love and health to the body and to the energy around you and stronger the self, the larger the radius of that will be.  

Hanuman .... Mind over matter :)

 I have been feeling directionless and a feeling of lack of something to hold onto, which is steady and always available. The mistake I have been doing forever is to look for this stability outside of me. What if we looked within and found unconditional and eternal stability, love, and peace. Everything happening outside your body is just going to be a ripple in the ocean.
 So, what then is the tool we can use to look within?. Mind it is!. How do we get the mind to stop looking outward at things and others and instead look at the soul?. I donot know the answer but i believe , that if we slowly encourage and nudge the mind in the right direction to look within, it eventually will, though it might take a very long time. Since a child, society and parents and other external influences have always taught that happiness always is external and even as adults, we have always believed that money or some particular person is going to be responsible for our happiness. This leaves us with a empty feeling and the mind has hence been trained to constantly look outward, constantly in search of something.
 This is not to demean the mind. The mind by itself has been proved to be so powerful, but we all waste the capacity of it and instead focus outward on the 0.01% thinking it is 100%. My ammama (grandmother) was a huge devotee of Hanuman. Reciting the hanuman chalisa over so many years, is what gave her mind the capacity to win over the body and come back to life in 2010, I wonder. (Hanuman being compared to mind, in one of my previous posts, and Rama being the soul). She always had such strong will power and such a strong mind, always steady as a rock and unbreakable. The show must go on. Nothing had changed even after she got back from the hospital which was considered a miracle. She went on doing her regular chores and probably did not even realize what she came out from, because her mind believed she was fine and reasonably healthy enough to carry on with her day to day chores, even though the doctors believed the body was not capable according to 'reports'.
 This post is dedicated to my grandmother, my ammama, who was the steady stream of love in my life, always there, always giving, and strong as a lion. I wish to have some qualities of her in me, the strength and will power of the mind. She was a big devotee of Hanuman. I hope by maybe reciting the hanuman chalisa with the metaphor of the mind, the capacity of the mind unravels itself, and also brings me closer to my grandmother. She used to recite it on behalf of me everyday.

   Shri Guru Charana Saroja-Raja , Nija-mana-mukura-sudhaara,
 Baranau Raghu-bara Bimala yasha, Jo daayaka phala chaara
(With the dust of the lotus feet of Gurudeva, I clean the mirror of my mind.
I narrate the sacred glory of Sri Raghubar, who bestows the four fruits of life (Dharma, artha, kama, moksha).)

Buddhi heena tanu jaanike , Sumirau pavana kumara, 
Bala buddhi-vidyaa dehu mohi , Harahu Kalesha vikaara 
(Considering myself as ignorant, I meditate on you, O pavana kumara.
Bestow on me, strength, wisdom and knowledge, and remove my afflictions and blemishes).

Jai Hanumana, jnaana guna saagara,
Jai kapiis, tihu loka ujaagara
(Victory to you O Hanuman, who is the ocean of wisdom and virtue.
Victory to the lord of monkeys, Who is the enlightener of the three worlds.)

Raama Duut Atulit Bala Dhaama,
Anjani Putra Pavan sut naama. 
(You are the messenger of Sri Rama, possessing immeasurable strength.
Known as Anjani Putra (son of Anjani) and Pavana sut (son of Pavan, wind god).


Mahaa-biir bikrama bajarangii,
Kumati nivaar Sumati ke sangii.
(You are a great hero, extremely valiant, body as strong as thunderbolt, 
You are dispeller of evil thoughts and companion of good sense and wisdom). 

Kanchana Barana Biraaj subeshaa,
Kaanana kundala kunchita keshaa.
(You posess a golden hue and are neatly dressed,
You wear ear rings and have beautiful curly hair).

Haatha bajra Au Dhvaja Biraajai
Kaandhe muuj Janeeu saajai.
(You hold the thunder bolt and flag in your hands, 
You wear the sacred thread across your shoulder). 

Shankara-suvana kesari nandana 
Teja prataap maha jaga vandana.
(You are the incarnation of lord Shiva and son of Kesari,
You are adored by the whole world on account of great strength and courage). 

Vidyaavaan guni ati chaatur
Raama kaaja karibe ko aatur.
(You are learned , virtuous and extremely intelleigent.
You are always eager to do work of Sri rama). 

Prabhu Charitra sunibe ko  rasiyaa
Raamalakhan sita mann basiya. 
(You delight in listening to the glories of Sri Rama, 
You have Sri Ram, Sri Lakshman and Sita dwelling in your heart). 

Sukshma roopadhari siyahi dikhaava 
Vikata roopa dhari lanka jaraava.
(You appeared before Sita assuming a diminutive form,
You assumed an awesome form and burnt down lanka). 

Bhiim roopa dhari asura samhare
Raamachandra ke kaaj savare. 
(You assumed a gigantic form and destroyed the daemons, 
thereby accomplishing the task of Sri Rama.)

Laay Sajivan Lakhan Jiyaaye 
Sri Raghubiir harassi ur laaye.
(You brought the sanjeevani herb and revived Lakshmana, 
Sri raghubiir embraced oyou with over flowing joy).

Raghupati kiinhii bahut badhaai
tum mama priya Bharatahisam bhaaii.
(Sri Rama praises you greatly, 
and said to you: You are dear to me as my brother Bharata). 

Sahasa badan tumharo yash gaavi 
As kahi shripati kanth lagaavai 
(The thousand headed seshnag sings your glory , 
Said Sriram taking you into his embrace). 

Sanakidika brahmadi munishaa
Naarada Shaarada sahit ahiisha
(Sanaka and other sages, Lord Brahma and other gods, 
Narada , Devi Saraswati and Seshnag..).

Yama kubera Digpaal jahate
Kavi kovid kahi sakai kahaate 
(Yama (God of death), Kubera (God of wealth), Digpaala (The guardian dieties)
Poets and scholars have not been able to describe your glory in full). 

Tum upkaara sugrivahi kinaaha
Raam dilaaye raajapd diinaah 
(You rendered a great help to Sugreeva
You introduced him to Lord Rama and gave back his kingdom). 

Tumharo mamtra vibheeshana maana
Lankeshwara bhaye sab jag jaana 
(Vibheeshana followed your advice, 
and the whole world knows he became the King of Lanka).

Yuga sahasra yojana para bhaanu 
Liilyo taahi madhura phala jaanu 
(The sun which was at a distance of 16 thousand miles, 
You swallowed it thinking it was a sweet fruit). 

Prabhu mudrika meli mukha maahi 
Jaladhi laadhi gaye acharajanaahi 
(Carrying Lord Sri Rama's ring in your mouth, 
You crossed the ocean, no wonder in that). 

Durgam kaaja jagat ke jete
sugamaanugraha tumhare tete
(All the difficult tasks in this world, 
are rendered easy by your grace). 

Raam Duaare tum rakhvaare 
Hot na aagyna tum paisaare
(You are the gate keeper of Sri Rama's kingdom, 
No one can enter without your permission). 

Sab sukh lahai tumhaai saranaa
Tum rakshak kahu ko ddarana 
(Those who take refuge in you, enjoy all happiness, 
If you are the protector what is there to fear?). 

Aapan tej samhaaro aapai
Teeno lo haakate kaapai 
(You alone can control your great energy,
When you roar, all three world tremble). 

Bhoota pisaacha nikat nahi aave
Mahaa viir jab naam sunaave
(Ghosts and spirits wont come near, 
when one utters the name of Hanuman (Mahavir). 

Naashai rog hare sab piira 
Japat nirantara hanumat biira 
(You destroy diseases and remove all pains
When one utters your name continuously). 

Sankat se hanumaan chudaave
Mann kram bacchana dhyaan jo laavai
(Hanuman frees one from difficulties
When one meditates on him with mind, deeds and words). 

Sab par rama tapasvi raajaa
Tinake kaal sakal tum saaja
(Sri rama is the king of tapaswis,
and you fulfill the works of Sri rama). 

Aur Manorath jo koi laavai 
Soi ami jeevan phal paai 
(Devotees who have any other desires, 
will ultimately get the highest fruit of life). 

Chaaro yug prataap tumhara 
Har prassiddh jagat ujiyaara 
(Your glory prevails in all four ages,
And your fame radiates through the world). 

Saadhu sant ke tum rakhwaale 
Asura nikandan raam dulare
(You are the saviour of saints and sages,
You destroyed the demons of Lord rama). 

Ashtasiddhi nava nidhi ke daata
As bar diin janaki maata
(You can give the eitght siddhis (super natural powers) and the nine siddhis
Sita, gave this boon to you).

Raama rasayan tumhare paasa
sada raho raghu pati ke daasa
(You hold the essence of devotion to Sri Rama,
You always remain the servant of Sri Raghupati).  

Tumharo bhajan Raam ko paavai
Janm janm ke dukh bisaraavai
(Through your devotion, Lord Rama is attained,
thereby freeing of sorrows life after life. ).

Antha kaala raghupati pur jaai 
jaha janma hari-bhakta kahaii
(at the end one goes to the abode of Sri rama,
where one is better known as the devotee of Hari). 

Aur devata chittana dharahii
Hanumar sei sarva sukh karaii
(Even without worshipping other gods, 
one gets all happiness worshipping hanuman). 

Sankatt hare mite sab piira
Jo sumaraii Hanumat bala biira
(Difficulties are removed and sorrows disappear,
For those who contemplate on sri Hanuman).

Jai Jai Jai Hanuman gosaai 
Kripaa karu gurudeva ki naai 
(Victory be to Lord Hanuman,
Please bestow your grace as the supreme guru). 

Joh Shat baar paath kara joii
Chuutaahi bandhi maha sukh hoi
(Who recites this Hanuman chalisa one hundred times with devotion, 
Will get freedom from worldly bondages and get great happiness). 

Jo yah padha hanuman chalisa
hoy siddhi saakhi gaurisa
(Those who read hanuman chalisa with devotion,
will become perfect, having Lord Shiva as witness). 

Tulasi das sada hari chera
kiijai naath hriday mah dera
(Tulsi Das who is always the servant of Hari,
prays for the lord to reside in his heart). 

Rama Lakshmana Janaki Jai Bolo Hanuman ki !

"Knowledge is learning something everyday. Wisdom is letting go of something every day"

There was a talk a few days back about what jnana yoga was. It is mostly philosophy and questioning who am I and what am I. What is the mind and what is the self? I read a few verses from the Gita and had some thoughts on it:

1. Nor at any time indeed was I not, nor thou, nor these rulers of men, not verily shall we ever cease to be hereafter.
This is most likely pointing to the immortality of the Soul or the imperishable nature of the Self. The soul exists in the past, present and future, which means that man continues to exist even after the death of the physical body.
(But the soul when it leaves the body is not a 'pure' soul. Does it leave the body with all the samskaras and the mind as well?. The most widely accepted Brahmanical description of this mechanism is strongly biological in tone. We are told that after severing its connection with the human body, the soul dwells for some twelve days in a transitional ghostly form (preta). Thereafter, freed from this limbo through ritual offerings (sraddha) by the son of the deceased, it travels upward to the "realm of the father" (pitr-loka),there to remain for an indeterminate period. )


There are two states for man -- the state in this world, and the state in the next; there is also a third state, the state intermediate between these two, which is like a dream. While in the intermediate state, and man experiences both the other states, that in this world and that in the next. When he dies, he lives only in the subtle body, on which are left the impressions of his past deeds. Probably while in the intermediate state, he foresees both the evils and the blessings that will yet come to him, as these are determined by his conduct, good or bad, upon the earth, and by the character in which this conduct has resulted. Thus it is that in the intermediate state he experiences the second state, or that of life in the world to come. This state is called heaven/hell I think.
In the intermediate state there are no real chariots, nor horses, nor roads; but by the light of the Self he creates chariots and horses and roads. There are no real blessings, nor joys, nor pleasures; but he creates blessings and joys and pleasures. There are no real ponds, nor lakes, nor rivers; but he creates ponds and lakes and rivers. He is the creator of all these out of the impression left by his past deeds.

If only there was a practical experience for all that is said here. No one seems to remember anything of this intermediate state! Wonder how many years before this truth is unfolded. Isnt He tired of these yugas and very few souls realizing their true nature and coming back to Him?. What a pass time for Him to put us in pre-determined illusions!

Why is it so difficult to detach from the mind? or identify with the Self?. In one of the verses of Gita:
2. That firm man whom, surely, these afflict not, O chief among men, to whom pleasure and pain are the same, is fit for attaining immortality.
Identification with the body is the cause for pleasure and pain! The more you are able to identify yourself with the immortal, all-pervading Self, the less one will be affected by pairs of opposites like pleasure and pain etc. The power of endurance I think develops will power. Calm endurance in pleasure or pain, heat or cold is the most necessary in the path to Self realization. Though I feel only endurance with no discrimination or intelligence is useless.

I think of the Self like ether. That which encompasses everything and yet contains nothing. It cannot be destroyed or broken and exists in living and non living objects as well. Even if the everything perishes, the Self that pervades cannot perish. It is always all full and self contained and immutable and inexhaustible. Why then do we look outward so much for love and appreciation? Why is the mind impeding and obstructing the view so much?. I sometimes feel the whole world's ego has manifested itself physically as gravity. If we had no ego and no qualities pulling us down like hatred anger jealousy etc, the physical weight of the body would be zero and we can fly!. They do say that once the bottom three chakras are open, one can fly! And the muladhara(materialism, social order, wealth, survival, family) svadhistana (blame, guilt, sex, power, control, expectations), and manipura chakra ( self-esteem, fear of rejection, criticism, ego ) are associated with those respective emotions. Imagine being free of those and nothing to weight you down. I already feel lighter just thinking of being free from those emotions!.

So what do you want to let go of this week or month? 

"You get there by realizing you are already there - Buddha"

Bhakti yoga seems to be a majority of the aspect here at the ashram. Worshipping of deity or an image , something that is external to you just doesnt resonate with me that well. I find it a little better when I constantly am aware of the qualities the deity signifies but it still difficult to do the ritual or 'method' associated with it. I feel in most of indian homes, the emphasis is on the method or ritual than than the real significance of the pooja and internalizing the qualities associated with the deity.

A lot of books on bhakti yoga say that it is the easiest path for salvation as it opens up the heart. It is for very emotional people as well as they can feel the emotion very well. But I also feel since they are so emotional, it is also very easy to sway them in any direction as there is no mind involved. So if a 'religious' leader coveys to them that banging your head every day in the morning will lead you to salvation. They will do it!. As mentioned in my previous posts about blindly following a 'guru'.

My idea of a pooja would be having a clean and pure mind and heart with the intention of being one with the super consciousness and with every other living and non living being on earth. It does not matter whether milk is offered or water is or a curry leaf is offered or a banana leaf and nor does the 'order' of things matter. Most of the time when we do poojas at home the whole focus is on what the priest is going to say next and where to find that thing and having zero sanskrit doesnt help either. if the verse reads 'something water namah' the mind only thinks of offering water to god or sprinkle some water on him/her. But what is the essence of it? Is it supposed to signify cleansing yourself when you sprinkle on him? What significance does any of the rituals have internally? If God is within us, then all those should be internalized with some quality right? But always the God is externalized and unreachable and separate from us.

I have this another theory that all that we see outside is on a microscopic level inside us too. So in effect what we see in the cells, with a nucleus, atom, protons and electrons are infact how our whole universe actually looks!. What if we are just some micro micro organisms inside an electron (earth) revolving around the nucleus (sun)? We can know so much about ourselves by just observing the nature. But in this generation 'observing' is an alien term!. I feel we are a part of a big big being, and the higher self has given us all the clues and tools but we still struggle to get the point. Everything is turned outward and the Self is inward. What if the whole universe was shown in the Self, when the mind is turned inward, like how Krishna shows his mom the whole universe in his mouth? 

Musing is amusing...

Mind is such a wonderful thing. It is like a person living within you who can be your best friend or worst enemy. Like it is said, when you love someone let them free and they will come back to you. So you have to love your mind and let it be free and it will come back to you. You need to treat it with compassion and love and not fight it. The problem is that the Self is identified with the mind and the mind is ever fluctuating and identifying with the external senses and circumstances. When infact the real Self is the atman or the soul. The 'I' should have been the soul which is constant and ever blissful but in the I got mis-identified with the mind. Not that the mind is all bad. It is infact very good and without the mind or intellect there is no Self. Mind is the tool for the Self to get salvation. Rama (the soul) cannot accomplish anything without Hanuman (the mind). The mind needs to be cared for and observed with compassion and needs to be appreciated when there are positive thoughts or when it is resonating with the vibrations of the soul. You need to be constantly aware that the reactions are taking place from the mind as it is so attached to the body and the senses and the external world so much. A response comes from deep within stillness while a reaction comes from the mind. All the 'feelings' and emotions at various levels are stored in the mind and it is funny that the mind has a natural tendency to repeat negative thoughts and go into a loop, but it finds it so difficult to latch onto positive thoughts. i never have a loop of positive thoughts!? It is a bit scary as well to feel the nothingness within and observe the mind full of emotions and thoughts and feelings. It feels pleasant and scary at the same time because one is always used to identifying with so many emotions , that if you dont identify with any of those, there is no 'I'. The 'I' needs to be identified with the soul which is pure joy and bliss and which exists in everyone and I can imagine it being the same in everyone and all of us being connected. It is the mind which shapes the personality and the thoughts of a any person good or bad. Even a 'bad' person has the same atman connected to us but it is too clouded by his vrittis and the layers of the mind are lot more foggy and he/she is not able to see clearly. One needs to see and hear from the soul. It is like once you tune into the frequency of the atman or soul, you have access to every soul in this world. All the souls operate on the same frequency and if you have been able to tap into the frequency of your own, you can have a conversation with all the souls irrespective of their minds. So it is possible that if a person acting with his mind is coming to harm you or others, you can tune into the soul frequency and raise his vibrations to that frequency so that his mind calms down and his senses too and he drops the weapon. It is true that all of us are 'connected' and all of us are branches of the same tree. I could meditate better today focussing on the soul/observer and watching the mind pay attention to the senses and the vibrations falling on the ears and the smell and taste and everything that the mind is able to latch on to. I felt a sense of calmness and 'high'. Knowing that the mind is my friend and I appreciate and am thankful to it for coming back to me. As a dog needs its master, the mind needs the soul. When we bow in front of an altar, I would like to think of bowing as the ego/mind physically being lower than the heart/soul. I would like to think of bowing as the mind bowing to its master and acknowledging the higher Self. Human mind is the only tool for salvation as it has the intellect or viveka and once it is on the same frequency as the soul it can do miracles for us. It can help us get rid of anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, anxiety because all these are the feelings of the mind which manifest in the physical body in some form. The atman which is mind;s best friend and companion can heal the mind and bathe the mind with joy and sattva and make it realize its true nature of being the soul's best devotee and friend. 

Day 7 - "Sometimes what you fear the most is what will set you free"

Regular day of satsang and meditation. The guy who speaks in the mornings today was hilarious. He had a flask and bowl and a water bottle next to him. And he was constantly changing water from one to the other and drinking every 2 minutes and laughing every one minute!. :|. All this while talking about some 'deep' topic which obviously is not registered in my mind! Emanuela and I went for a small hike to one of the temples after the class. We assumed that they wanted us in the kitchen from 8-10 the previous day and we ended up missing the yoga class. So it would be okay for us to skip today and go for a hike especially it was such nice sunny weather!.

She is really funny!. We spoke about a lot of things and things like blindly trusting the guru which came up a few times in the staff meetings. Everyone here seem to be following all the rituals pretty blindly and the energy of the whole place in general is more religious than spiritual. I dont know how and why this 'dont question your guru' ever came up in Indian systems. If the student voluntarily does not ask questions because there is something that fascinated him about the guru and he truly beleives the guru can lead him on the spiritual path, then it is a different thing. Guru as a word has to be more strictly used in a spiritual sense I feel and not the literal translation to the word teacher. Because of this blind notion of dont question your 'guru', the indian system teachings are still based on that and we end up becoming donkeys in the class just byhearting all the notes given and are taught to beleive that asking questions i wrong and just accept what is told to you. 

Picking a guru as well needs to be one's own choice after applying one's own head. But i realised every one has their own head which they think is right!A weak mind is always influenced by a strong personality. Note I did not say strong 'mind' because that denotes a positive quality and a strong personality does not always mean the same. Even Hitler or a few other leaders have a very strong personality which influenced so many people to follow their beliefs blindly. So how does one determine who is the right guru? in India this one swami guy has sooo many ashrams and is now booked under rape cases and when there was a brutal assault of a woman in India, he and his followers were talking about her chanting a mantra which would have prevented her from entering the bus (where the incident took place) and also stating that if she called the assaulters 'Brother, please save me and let me go' pleading with them, that they would have left the victim!. WTF are they talking about!! It really got me thinking then how can one ever decide who is the 'right' guru? Every person thinks they are right in their way of thinking. So if a person chooses  a 'guru' like mentioned above, it is their 'karma' to be led that way?. 

As for me, I still have not found my guru so I am still skeptical and not willing to blindly trust and follow any one person's teaching. Emanuela thought it would be confusing if one read multiple teachings and one should trust the guru (assuming one had the intelligence and discrimination to make out the difference between a real and a fake one). Though I partly agreed with her on the trust issue where I feel, if I were to ever be fascinated and feel the positive vibrations around someone's teachings our presence, I might follow intuitively what he/she says. Though it seems not possible in this age to find someone like that. I have read multiple teachings including sivananda, iyengar, sri sri ravi shankar, pattabhi jois, vivekananda and a few others. And not all of them resonate with me entirely!. I do like majority of their teachings though, but not enough that I would blindly follow or agree with everything they say. I would go with assimilating all of the different commentaries and choose what is best for you or even the teachings for the matter. At the end of the day the purpose of all this to realize one's inner true self and oneness with everyone and everything right? Also the vedic scriptures have not been written by one particular sage and are a compilation of verses by multiple sages and rishis. I really like Buddha's teachings too! Following one guru does not mean other is bad , nor if praying to one god mean that the other gods are bad. 

We had a decent brunch and did some karma yoga after that. We helped in the kitchen and had the vedanta class with Satyadev and Mai. I ran ten minutes late to the class as I was stuck in the kitchen helping with somethings. The class was waiting for me to talk about all the deities and their meanings. As I mentioned, it may become a little more easier to internalize the qualities associated with the god when you know what they stand for. Ganesha is supposed to be the remover of obstacles and that is probably why he has the head of an elephant, removing the obstacles with his trunk?. He rides on a mouse signifying that if one is egoless his/her weight will be that much lighter. It is the ego that holds us down and is our own prison. I explained a few other meanings of various gods with some of them being my own interpretations and some of them which I read somewhere. Lisa and Maria gave me a compliment that I bring a wealth of knowledge to the class. I wish there was someone teaching who knew more than me, as what I know is a grain of sand in the desert. 

I helped a little bit more in the house keeping and went for the evening yoga class and it was for time for dinner. There seems to be no time to contemplate on anything!. I sat with lisa and maria and nicholas. I was talking to Lisa about ayurveda and was telling them about the vata pitta and kapha and how Girish and I went for the ayurvedic treatment in India. So the doctor there had mentioned to me that psoriasis is a kapha imbalance mainly with vata and I was mentioning the same to them during which Bharata steps in and says 'NO it is vata pitta imbalance , I follow the charaka samhita'. geez. He just throws these sanskrit words at these poor americans! They are like oh oh whats thaat? LOL. Its funny and irritating at the same time.

There was a long long satsang today. OMG. There was a big pooja for some occasion and it was again so cute and amusing to see all the non indians chant all the mantras and do the rituals so religiously! They had a few idols in the front and everyone was going and pouring water and milk on them. They gave us a few flowers and rice as well. And it was more than 2hrs of chanting after which the pooja began and I think I almost fainted thinking of it. I finished throwing all the flowers and rice in a few minutes and sneaked away from the hall. Rituals by themselves however they are 'supposed 'to be , are very boring for me and have no significance unfortunately.

It was 10pm anyway and Mail also came after a few minutes. haha. She also sneaked out! She was surprised that an 'indian' sneaked out. I explained to her how the indian traditions have become so rigid that the whole essence of them is lost and all that remains is the method. Emanuela came after some time and she brought some prasad for me since she saw me missing. So sweet!. We spoke about karma and reincarnation. I remember reading about 3 different types of karma:
1. Sanchita karma - the unfinished mass of actions of past births, both good and bad, yet to be worked out and which appear in this birth in the form of desires -- in other words samskaras
2. Prarabdha karma - the result of karma already worked out in a previous life which appears in the present life in the form of fate
3. Agami karma - the karma we are continually making in our present actions and will be making in our future actions.
Interesting right? Atleast for me :). I told them about so many reincarnation stories in India. Em was mentioning that some really old tribes somewhere believe it is only this birth that we make something of and thats it. I personally resonate more with the rebirth till we are liberated from ego. Our mind and actions are way too vast for us to get done in just a lifetime!

Anyway loong day! I had a good restful sleep after the hectic days these days :).

Day 6 - "Om Purnamadah purnamidam purnat purnamudachyate purnasya purnamadaya purnameva vashishyate"

This verse captivated my interest from the first time i heard it. I dont know if it is because the way it was sung or  the tune or the words or the meaning.I just love the chant!. It used to give me a very 'complete' feeling whenever I sang it maybe more because of the repeat of the word 'Purnam'. I looked up more on the net and found so many commentaries on just this one verse!. It is supposed to encapsulate the whole essence of the vedanta!  

Om pUrNamadah pUrNamidam 
pUrNAt pUrNamudachyate 
pUrNasya pUrNamAdAya
pUrNamevAvashiShyate
Om shAntih, shAntih, shAntihi

[Completeness is that, completeness is this,
from completeness, completeness comes forth.
Completeness from completeness taken away,
completeness to completeness added,
completeness alone remains.
Peace, peace, peace!]

(Translation from Sw. Dayanandaji’s interpretation) 

Let the mountains, rivers, stars, and all the beings therefore remain as they are. What does it matter? If I am fullness,  the mountain cannot be outside me or other than me. Therefore, the mountain is me. Thus, the river is me, the star is me, everything is me. I am the fullness that pervades all of them. They are not parts of me or in me (Ref: bhagavad gIta – 9 th Chapter), because as fullness I can’t have parts or contents. They are all verily me! When I am ‘looking’ at them, I am ‘face to face’ with infinity – the reality that I am!

Thus the pUrNamadah verse has all vedAnta encapsulated in it!

The deluded and limited me is just an appearance like all the rest of the things in this perceived universe. They are just non-real (mithyA) superimpositions on the reality that I am. Take them away or bring them back – the fullness that I am remains unaltered and undiminished, whether the seeming me is awake, asleep or dead!

If only they taught the meaning of all this while chanting the mantras as well. No one does that. Maybe they wans us to figure it out on our own. But I don't think anyone of us would think so deeply on any verse. Am glad there exist commentaries out there and in our reach atleast to comprehend. 

There was the regular yoga meditation class and my concentration seems to have become a millimeter better. My roommate Mai and squinty have been taking the vedanta class. Mai is actually very humble and modest. I don't know how most vietnamese and chinese or japanese are like that. So adorable! :)
I did not see dope face whole day today. All she did was walk the dogs and do some knitting. I never saw her cleaning or helping in cooking or house keeping!. I think she ran away. LOL.

Me and Emanuela were helping Bharata in the kitchen today. Oh man does he have ego. He is a big round ball of ego. He doesnt respond to anything to ask him unless you ask him three times or so and you have to keep praising him else he snuffs at you. wtf. The energy in the kitchen was so tense it was actually stressful cooking with him. Ego ball made some falafel dough which I was supposed to make round balls of but I felt the batter was too loose to hold it. I told him that but he told me to just make the balls :|. We put them in the frying pan and all of them split!! He was like I dont know how that happened. This is so weird blah blah. And then some 25 balls he just threw in the dustbin because they were broken!! Ego ball has some much ego man. They were still eatable with a good taste. I could not believe he threw piping hot falafels in the bin :(. The next batch were also obviously broken but this he decided to serve scrambled. whatever.

The vedanta class today was on Dharma and some poses. Squinty obviously did not know what dharma was and he read out something from the book which no one understood. He then explained it as something you have to 'find' in your life!. Lisa one of the students was looking at me for an answer. And squinty was like Usha go ahead. First only righteousness and duty came to my mind which were not fitting well with what I wanted to say. I kept saying duty towards society or any relationship as a mother wife daughter sister husband father and to yourself. But duty sounds like pressure. It came to me after rambling that I wanted to use 'justice'. It feels like it is coming from a good place and not forced on you. Mai showed the physical aspect of the body and skeletal system and how the asanas help in the postures and was informative.

She later came to the room and told me that they are glad they have me in the class to answer all the questions. hehe. She is actually an architect and will mostly be settling in oakland with her boyfriend. She is so good at the poses , there are perfect. She said to Emnuela and me that she doesnt feel the stretch anymore and she doesnt know what to do about it. I found it so funny because she doesnt realize that she has actually mastered the asana and is now finally ready for yoga!. The body has calmed down and there is no strain in the poses and it is time to make the body and mind one and since she has conquered the physical body and made it calm she can mirror the body onto the mind and calm it as well. The whole point of yoga being to calm the mind and realize the eternal truth of AUM and Brahman. Asana is one of the steps of yoga.

There was a satsang meditation class in the night as usual from 8-9:30pm. The discussion after the satsang was about bhakti yoga. Shambu das read some paragraphs from sivananda's book which said that bhakti yoga is infact the easiest of the all yoga paths and should be followed. Turn all the emotions you have to devotion entirely to god. In my head, I was remembering a netflix documentary my husband and I saw which was called Religlilous or something like that and it showed the fanaticism that comes with turning all the love you have for people to only god. Like the 9/11 attacks or even the meaningless hindu muslim fights in India. The entire focus if the essence of the bhakti is lost, it produces crazy people. Firstly God has always been externalized to us , as something unreachable and something not within us and someone for which we always have to do things to please. So if you dont associate the idol or god you are praying to, with any qualities and see him as within you, then Bhakti yoga becomes purely religious and superficial and the focus becomes more on the image and the idol than what they signify unfortunately. So I brought it up and commented that only bhakti yoga as a path to salvation is of no use if it is not combined with atleast jnana yoga. You atleast need to know what and whom are you praying to and the depth of why one does it rather than blindly doing the worship , as with many households in India or other places. A lot of men in India I know pujas religiously day in and out but are the most egoistic pigs I know who are extremely rude to their wives and think they are 'done' and all their wrong doings are erased because of their ritual filled worship to the meaningless idol and chants. :|. Someone in the room also brought up a good question that why does it say that you need to turn all the love you have for your children or spouse to God? why cant we see God in all of them , isnt that the point? Shambu Das did not have an answer to it and just kept repeating that you have to turn devotion to God. I was expecting more of a agreeing response to her that it is true!. Since he didnt , I added that if anyone can see God in others, then they are definitely realized souls. But right now since we still donot see that all of us are the same and there is no difference (the ego creates the barrier) , there are a lot of emotions of attachments love hatred jealousy anger lust that come up when another human is involved. Also it is easier maybe to not have all these emotions with God because he wont react nor instigate these emotions in you:).  So we practice not feeling all these negative emotions with god and then apply them to people around us. Wouldnt that be better? Shambu das didnt seem very happy with my answer , he was still focusing on God. Whatever dude. These guys seem to be donkeys following the word of sivananda to the T without getting the head or tail of it :|.

I got back from the lecture and shared this article with Mai, about Krishna's birth. From the article:
"There is a deeper meaning to the story of Krishna’s birth too. Devaki symbolizes the body and Vasudev symbolizes the life force (prana). When prana rises in the body, joy (Krishna) is born. But the ego (Kamsa) tries to eliminate joy. Kamsa is Devaki’s brother which indicates that ego is born along with the body. Devaki’s and Vasudev’s imprisonment by Kamsa signifies that when the ego takes over, the body feels like a prison. When Krishna was born, the prison guards fell asleep. The guards here are the senses which protect the ego because they are turned outward when awake. Inner joy sprouts in us when the senses turn inwards."

Isn't that awesome?  It makes so much more sense now and resonates so well ! We discussed this for a while and went to sleep. Loong day!